Movie Thoughts: Red Sparrow was a Slow Burn Espionage Thriller that Deserves More Credit

My mother saw Red Sparrow, and didn’t like it. A lot of critics saw Red Sparrow, and didn’t like it. I saw Red Sparrow, and I liked it. Which means I know more about movies than any of the people mentioned above.

No hear me out for a sec.

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Movie Thoughts: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri Used the OTHER Harvey Weinstein Tactic

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri is not the great movie everyone says it is. It’s not bad by any means, and Sam Rockwell’s acting is superb, but the reason it won the oscars it did were largely due to the OTHER strategy Harvey Weinstein was known for, namely: SHMOOZING. So I would say bravo to Fox Searchlight as they did an AMAZING job of marketing this movie to critics, association members, and festival organizers.

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Movie Thoughts: Annihilation is An Nihilistic Movie That’s Brilliant

Annihilation is a movie that should allow you to switch off, but it’s so cerebral you can’t help but switching on to 11, you become highly receptive to everything that is going on in this stunning picture, both good and bad.

Of course it’s also beautiful and brilliant and the premise is wonderfully cerebral, but much like the surface layer of the movie itself, my personal view of the movie is unfortunately dark.

To be clear: it’s an excellent movie but…

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Movie Thoughts: I Only Liked Black Panther, but I Loved Early Man

Yes, Black Panther was epic and awesome and fun and spectacular, but then there’s the world of Aardman:

Sure Black Panther made a quadrillion dollars this weekend, but I, as a matter of taste and policy, will always hand my non-existent award for the best movie of the weekend to anything made by Aardman or Laika given their rich and heart filled celebrations of feature length storytelling utilizing old school stop motion animation techniques.

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Movie Thoughts: Call Me By Your Name Was Magnificent

I Saw Call Me By Your Name and the theater was full of guys who clearly couldn’t get their girlfriends to see it with them. Weird, right?

This movie was stunning on so many levels. I don’t even know where to begin: The film is technically flawless, the story just as much. Timothy Chalamet absolutely deserves an Oscar nomination as does Armie Hammer and even Michael Stuhlbarg in his small but incredibly important role, delivering a speech for the ages that every child deserves to hear from their father as they struggle to come to terms with their sexuality and humanity.

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Movie Thoughts: 12 STRONG – The Declassified True Story of the Horse Soldiers

12 STRONG – The Declassified True Story of the Horse Soldiers is an excellent war-is-hell film that is also a second unit director’s hottest fantasy, filled with post-9/11 Middle East conflict tropes we’ve seen before and an overabundance of the use of the word “flank.” They keep using it. I do not think it means what they think it means. In fact, you could make it a drinking game out of how often it’s used on screen.

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Movie Thoughts: Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2

Whereas the first Guardians of the Galaxy was fun and funny and really entertaining and had heart and wit and a great playlist and that intangible energy that makes you love it, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 was just really enjoyable.

You know, like when your uber driver is an architect by day and drives a Saab.

Movie Thoughts: Phantom Thread

One simply cannot talk about how good the movie Phantom Thread is…unless they’re an old person with gray pubes, a shortcut to NPR on their iPhone 5C home screen, and a proclivity for crushing up and snorting lines of niacin tablets. I have an iPhone 5C lying around somewhere but I swear I have a newer iPhone now so I’m not gonna talk about Phantom Thread. I’m still young dammit.

So now I’m going to break rules (unlike Reynolds Woodcock) and review this movie in spite of the fact that I’m still young (dammit):

It’s just about a relationship between two people, but it’s brilliantly shot using vintage equipment that could make this a film as easily made in the 60’s as today, although arguably harder nowadays in an ecosystem dominated by Arri and RED cinema cameras. There’s this lovely and heavily contrasty grain that’s not unlike watching beach sand swirl in water and the use of natural light is superb.

Anderson peaked with Magnolia, one of the greatest movies ever made, in my humble opinion, and hasn’t made something as consummately perfect since then, but I do think this one was a return to form after The Master and Inherent Vice, which were both movies about seriously messed up people.

To be fair, all his films are about seriously messed up people. I guess I don’t have a point, do I?

I think I’m having a hard time articulating why I liked Phantom Thread because I don’t wear New Balance 990’s and go to Meetups. I should have stopped while I was ahead.

Go see it. Jeeze.

Movie Thoughts: Den of Thieves

I went and saw Den of Thieves this afternoon and it’s worth pointing out that it was completely sold out all day on both screens it was showing in at the local multiplex which is scientific proof that not one woman in LA who participated in the 1 Year Anniversary Women’s March was able to get her boyfriend or husband to participate alongside her. But then again, we’ve always known that this is the dynamic in relationships.

With that bit of social science fact out of the way, let’s talk about the movie itself:

There’s nothing new under the sun so saying Den of Thieves is basically Heat isn’t enough and just makes you a dime store movie watcher if that’s the best you can come up with. Also, it’s good so just saying it’s Heat doesn’t acknowledge its twist. While it still may not be as good as Heat, it’s still good! So here are my thoughts:

It’s the goldenrod draft of Heat recut in iMovie while sipping on brotein & brown rice smoothies as you shop for a new ford vehicle (but can’t decide between a Fusion or a Taurus) on Autotrader.

So basically at the end of the day today, it’s going to be tough determining which half of the American couple had a better day: Women who marched rightly in the name of empowerment and women’s rights, or their boyfriends who got to fantasize about guns and periwinkle-blue collar criminals with ridiculous criminal technology robbing banks with guns and high-tech stuff that no ex-con could rightly get his hands on.